Your 78 year-old mother has been living on her own since your father’s death two years ago. Although she has never quite recovered emotionally from the loss of her husband, she has been active and self-sufficient.
Recently, however, she has complained of feeling tired much of the time. When you visit, you often see her wince in pain and try to stifle her groans. What’s more, she also smells of urine.
Each time you comment on her pain or her groans, or the issue of incontinence, she angrily tells you to leave her alone. You’ve also noticed she’s been losing weight and is clearly not herself usual self.
You have suggested she see a doctor, but she refuses. She blames your father’s physician for his death, and since that time has had no ongoing relationship with any doctor. A week ago, you and your mother had a stormy exchange about her need to look after her health. When you asked her why she was being so stubborn, she shouted, “I’m in charge of my own life!”
Since your mother is not mentally, incompetent, she does have the legal right to refuse to see a doctor. You suspect, however, that she wants help, and because you care about her, you cannot simply turn your back.
One of the hardest parts of helping and dealing with parents as they age can be getting them to realize how crucial it is to see specialists/doctors about various needs. Sometimes it works best approaching your mom on the matter when she is in a fairly good or happy mood. Then, explain how important the matter is and how beneficial it will be to her health.
She knows she’s aging and can be more readily coached or convinced when she is more receptive to hear what you have to say. If you pick the wrong time with your mom it can feel very belittling and de-humanizing to her. So if she seems to resist your message, give it a rest and try again some other time. You’ll just have to observe and figure out what works best for you.
Getting to the Bottom of It: Some Questions & Issues to Consider
What IS the Problem? Does everyone involved agree that a problem exists?
Is it that you and your mother both know something is wrong with her and she doesn’t dispute the fact, but rather, she simply refuses to get help because she knows you can’t force her to do so?
Is the problem urgent, really?
Your mother’s distress cannot be taken lightly. Even though the origins of her pain and incontinence may not be serious, they certainly require attention–and the sooner the better.
What does her behavior really represent?
Perhaps it’s a scenario something like this: The treatment your father received prior to his death has led to your mother’s distrust of physicians, and she may fear putting herself in their hands. She may also fear what an examination will reveal. Additionally, she may be embarrassed to discuss her incontinence.
Although she declares herself ‘in charge of her life,’ she is behaving more like a frightened child than a mature, independent woman. Competent adults who take charge of their lives do not typically sacrifice their health or comfort just because they can.
Your mother appears to be motivated more by terror than by a desire to run her own life. Unless you want to respect this false independence and walk away, you will have to find some means to get your mother the help she needs, with or without her consent.
Why are you upset?
It is upsetting to know that your mother is incontinent and in pain. But your distress may be rooted also in your ambivalence about overriding her clearly stated desires, even though her welfare might be at stake.
It is a big step to assume this kind of responsibility and far easier to back down into the role of the good or obedient child.
Who must be included in problem-solving discussions?
Although your mother is the one who is ill, she is obviously in no condition to sit down with you and have a rational discussion. Ultimately, you will have to do your best to see that she gets help.
The outcome
The ideal outcome would be for your mother to see a physician right away. Any medical attention at all, however, even if provided by a visiting nurse, would be a good start. Know that while it can be challenging to look out for an aging parent’s welfare, you are not alone. A well-qualified senior care giver who occasionally helps out your mom may be just the thing to provide needed assistance for her and peace of mind for you.
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February 3, 2011
Senior Care Situations, Senior Home Care